My past few months have been pretty fucked up

February 03, 2024

I found myself so motivated last November: I was feeling physically healthy, mentally clear, I had given up booze and was starting to write every day. I have been actively researching ways to sustainably address our common human issues, mundane issues like loneliness and gargantuan issues like genocidal behavior, for well over a decade now. I feel like I have stumbled upon some models of reality, or ways of thinking about ourselves in relation to the world and one another, that have been very valuable to me when I have applied them. So it has become my mission to share some of these notions with others, but also to try to build community around these ideas and the values that follow.

November felt like the right time to sober up and to start what I believe to be my life's work in earnest. I'm turning 45 this year, I'm single, and I have no assets. I've invested most of everything I have into learning how to think about the world and how to restructure our communities and societies so that they elegantly serve our needs. I've also focused on accessible means of empowering ordinary people, as opposed to solutions that presume some kind of special privilege that most people do not have. I have put many of my own theories into practice by intentionally shifting my behavior to align with what I consider to be sustainable values, and I found some success. Part of what I've learned is that all of the theory in the world, even if it's correct, will not be sufficient for lasting happiness and fulfillment. Working with people and a sense of belonging is essential to lasting happiness, and that's something I've struggled with.

In part I've struggled with it because I'm an American born Palestinian, cut off from my roots by violent colonizers who are now trying to whitewash their crimes while committing even more crimes out in the open. Another reason I've struggled to find community is probably due to one privilege I had in addition to my high quality education is that, at home, my parents didn't really enforce any kind of ideology. I was able to think freely, and so my thoughts have been able to evolve unencumbered by dogma to a large extent. But being so free-minded and having such a strong affinity for the truth, as I found out in my 30s, was actually a liability in most communities. Most people, though they claim to want to abide by the truth, will reject it and its source if the truth becomes inconvenient. We are all familiar with this pattern.

Anyway, I'm telling you all this because in late November I had an accident (details to follow someday) where my finger was broken, and that has really set me back. I was wounded, needed surgery, had pins in my hand for weeks, and now I'm rehabilitating. I'm getting back to guitar playing, drumming, and learning to love scrubbing dishes and bathtubs. My hand is still stiff, and I wonder if it will ever be the same. I am happy at least that, although I've been set back quite drastically, I still feel the motivation I felt at the beginning of November to disseminate my ideas before it's my time.

Watching my people overseas be devastated by American bombs and arms makes me feel crazy. So, I think I'll just own it: I've gone crazy. I have nothing left to live for at the moment besides offering my fat body and mind as a sacrifice to lift up and evolve humanity. I have evolved in so many ways in my last 14 years, and I feel like I have achieved a certain level of consciousness that is sought by seekers. I also have lived this way long enough and endured enough hardship to know that my understanding and vision are true. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how to express it to show others who what to know.

I know now that that's not everyone. I would wager that the majority of humanity does not want to experience truth in this universal way. Most people I've met are only interested in their own truths, and not THE truth (which contains both sides of the truth, and everything in between). So I have to find a way to connect with other seekers, those willing and eager to make sacrifices for the sake of developing their own spiritual maturity, and ultimately for the sake of best serving humanity and all of creation.

If you are one of those people (what are the odds that I'd find you here), please stick around.

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Yazan uses this site to share his ideas on creating a sustainable future together